


The Cowardice Arc

by mithrel



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Blanket Permission, Episode: The Siege, First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-24
Updated: 2009-05-23
Packaged: 2017-10-31 09:26:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/342473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mithrel/pseuds/mithrel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After <i>The Siege,</i> Bashir realizes something.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cowardice

He was a coward.

Julian Subatoi Bashir, genetically-enhanced superman, the best of what humanity had become over its long history, was afraid.

And it wasn’t even as though he were afraid of anything sensible, like the Dominion. No, he was afraid of telling the man who, over the last three years, he’d come to consider a friend, how he felt about him.

It had all started with that damned implant. Before then, he’d had no idea how…fond he was of Garak. _No,_ he thought, _get it right._ He’d been fond of Garak before then, but it took him nearly dying before the doctor realized how he _really_ felt about him.

He would have been shocked, wondered how the hell this could have happened, if he’d had the luxury. But he was too busy trying to keep Garak stable, and then haring off to the Arawarth colony to get the leukocytes from Tain to think about it, or regret what might have been.

He’d told himself that if Garak pulled through, he would tell him, and he’d fully meant to keep that promise, but he’d delayed, convinced himself that there would be time, despite the fact that Garak had a great many enemies, and the subsequent discovery of the Maquis threat to the quadrant.

But then he’d been captured by the Dominion, put through a sadistic mental torture to see what he was capable of. He hoped they were impressed. As part of that testing, he’d seen Garak gunned down in front of him, as they tried to reach the shuttle to destabilize the wormhole, held him in his arms and _felt_ him die. When that happened, his heart began to bleed and he cursed himself for a fool.

He sighed and looked around the _Defiant._ Sisko was in the center seat, and Dax was at the helm. Miles was at the conn, Odo was at weapons and Kira was at communications. He stared moodily at the console and reflected that he’d been given yet another chance to tell Garak how he felt, and he wasn’t about to squander it. With the Dominion virtually on their doorstep, either of them could be killed in the near future. He resolved to tell him as soon as he got back to the station.


	2. Cowardice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bashir confesses.

He’d got back to the station late last night, and hadn’t seen Garak. After the debriefing was over, and he’d written his report, all he wanted to do was sleep.

The next day he’d asked the tailor if they could meet for lunch, and he’d agreed, even though it wasn’t their usual day. Garak had seemed curious as to what had happened in the Gamma Quadrant, but he appeared to be waiting for Bashir to say something. As the meal wore on, however, and Bashir said nothing, pushing the food around his plate, he prodded, “Doctor, is there something wrong?”

Julian sighed and ran his hands over his face. “Yes, actually.”

“The mission in the Gamma Quadrant?”

“Partly.”

Garak waited for him to continue, and he took a moment to organize his thoughts. “Really it goes back further than that. You remember when the implant malfunctioned?”

For a moment it seemed like Garak was about to make a sarcastic reply, but he only said, “What about it?”

Julian knew already that this was going to be a roundabout conversation, and he hoped that Garak would be patient with the seeming non sequiturs. “I’m really…quite fond of you, Garak.”

The tailor looked surprised and pleased, but also confused. “And I’m fond of you, Doctor.”

“I’m sorry, I know I’m not making much sense, just…just bear with me, will you?”

He nodded. “Of course.”

“Before the implant malfunctioned I’d already started to think of you as a friend. But when I thought I might lose you…well it brought some things into focus for me. I was going to tell you then, but I managed to persuade myself that there would be time, and I kept putting it off.”

Garak looked suddenly guarded. “I see.”

“When we were in the Gamma Quadrant, the Founders captured us.”

Garak twitched.

“They put the _Defiant_ ’s crew through a simulation to see how we would react to the Dominion taking over the station. The ship was destroyed, and Sisko and I ended up in a shuttle. O’Brien and Dax found us and took us back to the station. Starfleet, Cardassia and the Klingon Empire signed a treaty with the Vorta (who we were told were the Founders) that agreed that the Federation would withdraw from Bajor and DS9, and Bajor and the wormhole were going to be handed over to the Dominion.”

“That’s ridiculous! They’d never do that!”

“That’s what we thought. After the Romulan who’d come to observe the mission was shot and killed by a Jem-Hadar on the Promenade, we decided to collapse the wormhole.”

“Sensible.”

“You thought so.”

Garak looked slightly taken aback. “I was in this simulation?”

“Yes.” The doctor took a deep breath. “You were helping us. On the way to the runabout we ran into a Jem’Hadar patrol and,” he stopped as his breath hitched, “and you were shot and killed.”

“I…see.”

“You died in my arms.” He fought for control, knowing Garak would see tears as evidence of weakness, and finally continued. “That’s when I realized that I _had_ to tell you. I might not get another chance.”

“Tell me what?” Now he was suspicious.

“Garak, I…I love you.”

He’d expected shock, rejection, derision, any number of things. What he hadn’t expected was rage.

“You _what?!_ ”

“I—”

“No, please, Doctor, don’t say it again. You’ve gone insane!”

“What?” 

“I’m a Cardassian!” he snarled. 

“What does that matter?” Julian shot back.

“You have no idea the atrocities I’ve committed!” Garak was screaming at him now, and people were turning to look.

“I don’t care what you’ve done! You’ve never hurt me, and I don’t think you would!”

“Are you so sure of that, _Doctor?_ ” Garak sneered the title. “If I had the chance to return to Cardassia in exchange for you, don’t you think I’d take it?”

“I don’t know, but…”

“No, Doctor,” Garak’s eyes were blazing, his hands clenched and teeth gritted. Even when he was suffering endorphin withdrawal, Bashir had never seen him so enraged. “You can’t love me,” he spat the word like a curse.

“Why not?” he snapped back.

“Because, Doctor,” and his voice was quiet now, but no less venomous. “It would be too good to be true.”

And he got up from the table and strode away, leaving Bashir sitting speechless and shocked in the middle of a curious crowd.


	3. Closure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bashir confronts Garak.

Bashir had gone back to his quarters after Garak’s outburst. He’d had no clue how to deal with it, but he knew one thing: they had to talk.

The next morning he went to Garak’s shop, but it was dark. He went by the Replimat, and Quark’s, but there was no sign of the Cardassian.

“Computer, location of Elim Garak.”

“Elim Garak is in his quarters.”

He buzzed the door, but there was no answer. “Garak! I know you’re in there! Open the door!”

No response. “Computer, open this door, medical override Bashir-two-five-one-alpha.”

The doors whooshed open, and he saw Garak, sitting in a chair. He jumped to his feet. “How did you get in here!?”

“Medical override.”

“Why, Doctor, I believe I‘m rubbing off on you. You would never have misused a medical override before you met me.”

Bashir ignored this. “Garak, we need to talk.”

“I have nothing to say to you, Doctor, now please leave.”

“Oh, no!” He began pacing. “I’ve had enough of your charming evasions, your plausible lies! I’m staying here until you tell me the meaning of that last comment you made in the Replimat!”

“Then you’ll be waiting for a very long time.”

Bashir looked more closely at the tailor. Although he was trying hard to maintain his normal nonchalant façade, there was a tension to his shoulders and a veiled pain in his eyes. He slumped back into the chair, suddenly looking tired and small.

“Garak, I meant what I said.”

“You can’t have. You have no idea what you’re getting into. You’re playing with fire, Doctor.”

“Maybe so, but I know you’d never hurt me.”

“Tain would be so disappointed in me. I’ve gone soft. I should never have become friends with you. It should have stopped once Tahna Los was in custody.”

Bashir had never heard Garak sound like that before. He sounded tired, old…defeated.

He walked over to the chair and drew Garak up by his elbows. The tailor turned his face away. Bashir took hold of his chin, turned his face toward him, stretched up and kissed him.

Garak froze, but Bashir kept kissing him, gentle but insistent, trying to tell him that he wasn’t going away. Eventually he sagged into Bashir’s arms and returned the kiss almost desperately.

When they broke apart Bashir looked into Garak’s eyes and was shocked at the naked emotion he saw there. For the first time, the Cardassian was hiding nothing. He saw hope, and doubt and guilt and fear, and something else he couldn’t quite analyze.

Something twisted in his chest, and he took the tailor in his arms. Garak didn’t move, but his whole body was taut. After an endless moment he relaxed again and even put his arms around the doctor.

“I still don’t believe you.”

Bashir smiled. “Then, my dear Garak,” he said, “I shall simply have to _make_ you believe.”


End file.
